Air Quality Testing Reveals Elevated Levels of Radioactive Materials at Downtown BHS

Disclaimer: This story is written for April Fools Day. All quotes and information are fake and purely for entertainment. Please do not take any of this seriously. Ok? Ok.


On April 1, 2021 results from air-quality testing revealed a radioactive substance in the new Downtown BHS campus.

The substance is potentially dangerous and has already affected some students. 

Jake Smith, a BHS freshman who has been found wandering around the building after school hours, has concerns about his physical health. 

“It started with my eyelashes getting freakishly long, and now I have really huge lips, like I got filler or something!” Smith said.  

Smith is not the only student to report such abnormalities. Within the first two weeks, a number of faculty members and students have noticed side effects including abnormal hair growth, skin discoloration, and “plumping” of the lips. The Vermont Department of Health has classified the health problems as “cosmetically-induced.” 

After conducting a full biochemical evaluation, scientists detected traces of Nitrous Thoral Chemicals (NTCs). NTCs were previously found in Macy’s 2013 line of lotions and serums, Plump, which was discontinued after the FDA declared it “highly toxic.” 

Facing possible lawsuits, the district executed a thorough investigation. It’s been confirmed that old stock of these products have deteriorated into this mysterious liquid that has been infecting the building for years. 

The school board has been looking into leasing Burlington’s local Sears store as a temporary school for the remainder of the term.