The Vermont Fish and Wildlife services released yesterday their updated count for Vermont’s white-tailed deer population. The results shockingly showed a 50% decrease from last year. The Register launched an in-depth investigation and can now report that the decrease can be attributed to none other than new BHS transfer student, Eddy Cullen. 

“I never meant for this to happen,” Cullen said. “I’m so sorry.” 

Cullen transferred from a small town in Washington state at the beginning of the school year. He said he immediately began the process after hearing of BHS’ move to Macy’s. 

“I’ve always had a slight…aversion to sunlight,” Cullen said. “When I heard about BHS, I knew it was the perfect school for me. While others might consider a windowless school to be depressing, the harsh, fluorescent light of department stores is the only kind I can tolerate.”

Cullen is an expert hunter, bringing down at least 10 deer a day. He is single handedly responsible for the decimated deer population.

“I get these urges….that I can’t control…” Cullen said. “Yesterday, I found myself staring at this girl’s vein for the entirety of my biology class … I almost … Never mind. The important thing is I found a deer before it was too late.” 

Cullen enjoys the iron-y tang of deer. 

“I love the metallic taste of a good deer,” Cullen said. “It’s the perfect thing to drin — I mean eat. I definitely eat food.” 

Since transferring to BHS, Cullen has broken Vermont state track and field records in the 1500m, 800m, 400m, 300m, 200m, and 100m. 

“He was just a blur,” Isabel Goose said. “One minute he was on the starting line, the next, he was crossing the finish.” 

Cullen said he plans to transfer to another high school for next year. He’s looking at schools in Alaska. 

“I think I’ve caused too much harm here,” Cullen said. “This was supposed to be a fresh start, a ‘New Moon’ if you will. I only hope that I can find a cinder block devoid of light in Alaska that’s half as good as BHS.”